The Champagne Room

By cadence | April 6, 2007

Over the weekend I traveled with a friend and we got into a hilarious discussion about the state of our current relationships and how unique they seemed to be. (Now when I say unique I don’t mean like Nike ID unique, or putting parts and half moons in your haircut unique. I mean, everybody living in your local projects having a college degree unique or like being a 7 foot tall Asian unique- We’re talking the Yao Ming of relationships here). Nevertheless, what we discovered during our wonderfully enlightening convo, was that we were brothers in a select fraternity; a secret society if you will; illustrious members of Wifey Phi Wifey Fraternity Inc. Now this was crazy because members of said fraternity are not readily identifiable. Often times, we don’t even recognize each other. Ain’t no secret handshakes or frat daps; no brands or tattoos; we don’t get no t-shirts or windbreakers; no ‘Stomp the Yard’ is being made about us. The closest thing we have is ‘I Think I Love My Wife’ (but even that’s a little off in the title alone).

What makes this whole relationship masonry so unique is that we are the only two males we know in relationships that who we can say with absolute certainty do not cheat on their girlfriends. Now as the women reading this go “STFW (*ref* STFW = So The F@ck What??!??!), don’t go patting yourself on the back for something you supposed to do”, I’m sure that the fellas are reading this thinking “see what happens when that vasectomy surgery goes awry.” But I would like to assure my female counterparts that there is more depth to this particular subject than may appear. And to the fellas: don’t bash a brotha for trying to live it up Jesus style. (Work wit me here son – work wit me). The simple fact of the matter is that men cheat. Like a lot. Like a whole lot. Women cheat too. Probably just as much, but I’m not a woman so we ain’t talking about that today.

Kem…

Yes son. I am pledging Wifey Phi Wifey faithfully. However, with all of this stuff that I will gladly haze myself to do, I call no Amerie on myself for that one thing that’s got me trippin’ – that whole indefinite sexual sabbatical women seem to take just after the relationship’s grace period has ended and the status can finally be deemed long term.

Team Logo Now I’m not sure how it’s supposed to work, but I always figured that from a purely practical standpoint, if ever a person wanted to guarantee themselves the opportunity to have sex on a regular basis, they could simply engage another party in a relationship type arrangement and at worst, they would just be having bad sex with a person they’d otherwise not acknowle

dge. Simple. But now it seems I’ve been duped. Hoodwinked. Run a muck. Lead Astray. Bamboozled. Okie Doked. And whatever else my man Malcolm said in that speech. You women, yes, all of you, have been sitting on the world’s single greatest resource since the beginning of time. And now it seems you’ve finally realized it. And that really sucks. Ya’ll are really on some oil baron sh!t right now, with the cost of poontang skyrocketing. When has there ever been a time in history when your average Joe McRegular had to ‘Make It Rain’ in his local den of ass-jigglery just to get a hello.

And just as the gas prices have affected all sectors of the economy, so too has the recent increase in the punani price. AND NO ONE IS GETTING A BREAK. If you’re single, you gotta Throw Some D’s On It first. And if you got a girl you might as well pack it in son, cuz she ain’t giving you none till David Stern rocks a Du-Rag. To understand just how ridiculous things have become , look at the case of another one of my good friends. This gangster-of-love’s theme song was Lil’ Wayne’s “Get Back To The Money”, but after looking at the vaginal real estate market he’s broken down. Mr. I-Don’t-Need-No-B!tch has chosen to lock down a prime piece of pootang property. Not necessarily because he believes this particular one to have a high rate of return, amounting to something later on; but because trying to find anything else of even moderate value down the road might cost him twice as much time, money and effort at half the value. Kem. That’s how rough it is out there son. Well, for some of us. Others just get the nookie tossed at them softball style. And to each and every one of you I say – F You All & I hope you catch Chlamydia in your next wet dream. Anyway,back to the hoarding of vaginal real estate and cheating ass dudes.

Now we know the price of punani is high, but not always high for the same reason. Sometimes it’s high due to the scarcity principle (high quality + low volume = good pick up & usually hard to obtain). Sometimes there’s just a high tax on “discount” or “wholesale” nana (low to medium quality + high volume = ehhhh pick up & pretty easy to get – this type of nana is commonly taxed with additional consequences, usually of the stalking, child bearing, or disease sharing variety). But either way you slice it, the goodies is gone cost ya. And this is a primary reason why men cheat. Men are poor consumers of the market. We are constantly looking for cheap chocha of the highest quality, eternally convincing ourselves that it exists, somewhere, some place and that it is our sacred duty to seek it out and hoard it on some Manifest Destiny shit (thus my ‘Get Back To The Money’ friend). But listen dude, no matter what you think, you will never find a Costco Card for pussy. Remember that the first and most basic economic principle is TINSTAFL (There Is No Such Thing As a Free Lunch). Nothing in life is free and one way or the other, you will have to pay. And when it comes to fur burger, you’re gonna have to pay double buddy. Time, energy, money, emotion, etc. Its gonna cost you son, and ain’t no student loans you could take out on this. You know how many babies have been birthed because some dude thought he could try to get a nut and he got a nut in (WHAT). Straight Bananas…but you still can’t knock the hustle.

Sleazy McFilth fleeing the PussyMart after finding a Costco Chocha Charge Card

So this brings us back to first guy I told you about. Now we are fighting this primal urge to hoard more goods but are faced with two major problems. One, the vast amount of ‘non-sex’ we are both currently enjoying and two, the subsequently greater amount of daily punani on display. Add to this that we are both in long distance relationships and you have two ticking time bombs. We’re about one I Love New York episode away from flipping the eff out. And how we’ve reached this point ladies and gentleman, I really have no idea. I can still remember the days when sex was like spam to my inbox and I was turning it down left and right. So much so that I decided hey, let me give this relationship crap a try. And it was great at the beginning. Sex all the time. I mean we were tellin’ dem at will. But then, some kind of drastic shift occurred like there’d been a global pussy warming or something, and this my friend is quite an inconvenient truth. A once so promising sex life has completely vanished on some Jimmy Cozier shit.

And where its gone, I don’t have the slightest effing clue. I can’t really explain why its gone either

. But in talking to my homeboy, I found that I was not alone in this. He too was experiencing this mysterious non-sex nonsense. The same endless nights of marathon spooning and decade long cuddling sessions had been plaguing him too. And all of this was worsened by the fact that we waited weeks on end to see our girlfriends and release a little man juice only to be greeted by a cold shoulder in need of endless holding, hugging and caressing. Yuck. He, like me, was feeling like the stars had to be in perfect alignment and the pull of the moon had to be just right in order for anything remotely sexual tojumpoff between he and his love muffin. But god forbid an argument should happen during the process of celestial arrangement, cuz nah-uh homie, u aint getting no parts of the pussy tonite. Getting ass these days is like playing a game of Jenga with a partner who has Tourettes Syndrome. It’s always a high pressure situation.

Jenga son…Jenga

But alas, even with all the anti-butt we’re getting in our long distance relationships, and the fragile state of the ass getting process, we have still chosen to stay committed to the wifeys, and that is what separates us Wifey Phi Wifey bruhs from the rest. We’re not married, don’t live with the GF. But we stay committed. And staying committed ain’t easy son. Not with all this scattered ass all over the place. I’ve learned that you don’t need Axe Body Spray when you have a woman. Women can smell that on you a mile away. They know son. They know. “Back then they didn’t want me, cuz of wifey they all up on me.” I could write a hit song about this stuff. But as my man Biz Markie would say “It’s Spring again. Everbody knows it’s – Spring Again” and the reason everybody knows is because women start walking around half butt nekked. Ass hanging all out, titties mashed together like ply wood, it’s disgusting. I can’t take all this walking around seeing cleavage poking through the top of your damn turtleneck. And wearing pants that put the crease directly in your bum cheeks?? Does that not seem a little bit ridiculous to anyone else??? Am I taking crazy pills over here??? And now style has gone and cursed the faithful man with constant visions of tights and leggings all over the place. Are you kidding me?? Even white girls look like they got hella ass in those. So with all these women walking around looking like Buffie the Body, what, I ask you, is a penis-having, committed, no sex-having, cuddle champion brotha to do??? That’s easy. Write blog posts to pass the time. I Love You Boo, Muwa.

Thank You 2 All & 2 All A Goodnight.

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VOTE FOR PEDRO (ummm I mean Palms Out)

By cadence | November 3, 2006

Topics: Miscellaneous | 6 Comments »

Public Service Announcement

By cadence | June 24, 2006

Since being away in a far off and distant place (Connecticut) and returning back to the mainland (NYC) it has been my pleasant misfortune to have witnessed many a stickem up in my travels across the concrete seas of the greater metropolitan area. And as always, for the health of our eyes, for the greater good of the general public and mostly for the benefit and simple preservation of my own sanity, I feel it is time once again to inform the fashionably ignorant and the stylistically incompetent of various no-no’s that may aid us in our quest to raise mankind to some higher form of social order. With that said allow me to sprinkle a dash of enlightenment on you, the privledged few.

Enough is enuff:
Too long have I sat by idly watching a terrible trend continue to fester and grow amongst the youth of today. Chalking it up to my own increase in age and (hopefully) maturity I pretty much convinced myself that it was simply my graceful transition from one generation of preferences to the next. Afterall, my jeans were slimming, my shoe preferences were becoming more basic and universal, and my durag collection was diminishing at an exponential rate. So it is with that rational that I allowed this once stupid trend, to turn into an outright idiot-fest. But alas, it is now high time I attempt to put and end to this by alerting the general public.

The trend to which I am referring is the not-so-gradual lengthing of “shorts” over the past 5 years. I refer to these articles as “shorts” because over this time, they have most certainly become “longs.” By far passing the acceptable length to be dubbed “capris”, young men across this great land have been donning ankle length denim half-pants for sometime now. Apalling. That’s really all that can be said of this gross misuse of one of the most popular seasonal articles of clothing ever invented. Why any sane, intelligent, non-blind young man would want to willingly walk around in samurai pants is beyond me. Motherfucker your name ain’t croutching tiger. This ain’t Tekken 2. There is no reason why I should ever have to see the bottom of someone’s shorts touching the tops of their over priced nike shoes!!! No reason atallatallatall. This is abhorrent. A fashion disgrace. Unless your name is Splinter and you’ve entered in competition involving a bow-staff, hike them half-a-trousers up buddy.

Now understand that I make my case from more of a logical, rather than a generational perspective. It’s not only an issue of good taste & fashion sense, but also one of practicality and good use of common sense. Throughout history, young people have gone against the grain to create their own take on existing fashion norms. Backwards baseball hats, sagging bottom jeans, athletic wristbands and sweat bands worn as accessories, etc. Yet all of these trends were byproducts of practicality. Backward fitting hats, though useless as protection from the sun’s rays, still kept one’s head warm from the cold. Sagging pants for many were a more comfortable way of wearing tight-ass jeans that would other wise cause serious amounts of heat to build up and induce “sweaty ball syndrome.” Wristbands and headbands were helpful for collecting perspiration in sticky situations. However it would appear to me that this whole shorts to the floor thing is taking it too far. It would seem that in an attempt to gangstafy this simple fashion invention, the gangstafication is actually counter productive. To lengthen one’s shorts to this extent increases one’s likelihood of over heating. Put simply, you might as well be wearing pants. Stickem up son, stick em up. If you’re going to wear shorts, wear shorts (like forreal). If you want length (pause) and you think capris are for MoMo’s, then just wear pants son.

Reasonable Alternatives:

1. Plaid Shorts
2. Camoflage or Khaki Cargo Shorts
3. Cut the Bottoms of Old Khakis or Denim and either leave the strings
hanging or roll the bottoms to desired length

***we apologize for the absence of remix sunday. look out for a special edition once Haldan returns from Europe- tell dem.

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Verses, vs, Verses – (Wait, Double That Back)

By cadence | May 1, 2006

I was listening to an old Little Brother song the other day as I walked in my fresh to life red patent leather Valentines Day dunks, scooney bopping up the street when it dawned on my that everything Lil Wayne says in verse is hot. Like hotter than hot-hot. Like hearing a new verse is like the unexpected feeling you get once you accidently munch on like eight of those little little west indian peppers that really look like cherries except they really really aren’t and now ur face is really really about to burn the fuck off. Each line is as new and refreshing as speaking with someone who is functional enough in the excersise of thought to not insert “like” after every word or pause in idea processing, yet as comfortable as holding that same conversation and not giving a fuck if you’re saying “like”, “pause” or “nahmeanwhatchahearddunsonny” after every syllable cuz the conversation is that good. I mean these verses are more like lyrical experiences, that cannot be fully described in words or felt vicariously, but must be auditorialy (is that even a word???) engaged – something like the difference between watching Kobe busts Steve Nash’s ass on TV and being courtside at the game standing next to Jack Nicholson shooting the shit. (Uruh um… I’ve never actually been able to shoot the shit with my buddy Jack, but I would presume its alot more exciting than eating a turkey and cheese on my couch and screaming at my TV…) Nevertheless, Lil Wayne is hot fire. Like Dylan hot. Hands down best rapper on the planet besides me, Kevin Federline… and, ummm… oh yeah, Jay-Z coming in at a strong number 3. Okay, now what the hell am I talking about?? I started thinking about Lil Wayne’s ridiculouse flow while walking down the street, just after listening to the Little Brother song that changed my entire perspective on the art of rhyme. I started to think back on all the verse I had heard that made me want fall the fuck on the ground, or run in the street in my boxer draws, or run up to fat bitches and kiss them on the forehead, or do back flips on ice skates in the grass, or anything so absurd and far gone that it would top the utter lyrical ridiculousness I had just heard (for those who don’t know, ridiculous in this context, as it refers to lyricism, is a ver ver ver good thing). But yes, it made me think back to hearing certain verses that made me rethink that which had been, was, and could be done with simple words and a beat. Verses that made me rewind entire the song in double digits amounts or forced me to never play anything but that particular portion of the song. Verses that made me immediately get a beat and some thoughts and start putting together a song. Verses that made 11:45pm feel like 9am and the day was just starting. Verses that were to me, what Vince Carter’s slam Dunk championship was to the Dunk Contest, or Jay-Z was to Reebok, or Kanye was to Common – A Rejuvination, a reason to go back and rethink what you thought could be done.

So here is the first installment of my on going series of Verses, Vs., Verses – So Nice I had to listen Twice or 45 billion times, actually

1. Lil Wayne – “Bring It Back”
Lil Wayne goes to another planet on this entire song. This is the first time we see the new plateau wayne has reached. Some might say that he had shined on previous songs, but none like this. Flow + Wit + Charisma + Punchlines = Damn your on lyrical steroids. I said I have to get Tha Carter after hearing this one. The whole song plays like a long chorus, without ever getting Nelly because Wayne delivers a wonderful stream of lyrical thought with one thought seamlessly blending into the other.

2. Ludacris & Usher – “Red Light”(Remix) / Trick Daddy ft. Cee Lo – “Sugar”
Ludacris becomes an instrument unto himself on these songs finding the perfect flow going far beyond blending into the beat, but actually getting inside the beat. For these verses i’m sure the accapella would be as enticing as the beats themselves. Ludacris makes these verse sound so effortless. He also does this on the new Getting Some Head (remix), but then again so does everyone else. One of the best remixes, lyrically I’ve heard in quite some time – unlike that stickem up Touch It remix. Ughh,

3. Jay Z – “What More Can I Say”
Redefines Lyricism on one song. Jay got so many thoughts and emotions off on this song that it felt like listening to one of his interviews. Jay takes Scarfaces ability to sound like he’s just rythmically talking on beat, but adds that Brooklyn – “I could buy you bitch” swagger. Jay manages to set the new standard for what an MC can do on a beat. Many might forget that he gave us a preview of this on the Blueprint 2′s “Hovi Baby”, but What more can I say is definately a culmination of years of lyrical growth. I would quote from the song, but I mean the entire industry has already.

4. Phonte (Little Brother) – “Whatever You Say”
This verse is just plain old easy breezy good the first time you hear it. That is until you actually listen to it, and you hear Phonte say that his verse didn’t rhyme. Then you go back and listen and you say to yourself oh shit, this dude didnt rhyme anything but the last two lines of the song. HTF did i not pick that up?? Because the flow is ridiculous. Like Camp Lo meets Royce da 5’9. A flow that perfectly matches the beat to the point you don’t even notice he’s rhyming, but with a crisp delivery and charisma. Oh and unlike Camp Lo, this verse actually makes alot of sense. Made me say, I didnt know you could rhyme without rhyming. That was crazy to me in a good way. I had grown tired of the “Prodigy, mutha-f a rhymebook, i’m gonna just light up some weed and go in the booth and say whatever comes to mind cuz it doesnt matter, they only checking for Havoc beats anyway” approach to rhyming. But after this, I said fuck it, I’m not rhyming anymore either. And thats why i’m on MTV everyday.

5. Slick Rick – “Mona Lisa”
Everyone knows all the words to this song, and it has no hook. You can play it at any party, anywhere, at pretty much any time and the party goes crazy. Simple story telling that people love like they love their favorite uncle’s crazy dance. Oh and did i mention this song was made almost 20 yrs ago. Thats friggin nuts.

Topics: Miscellaneous | Comments Off

Cadence Cambridge’s WTF’s or WTS’s (depending on which expletive you prefer to use)

By cadence | April 19, 2006

So I was thinking, good grief, I haven’t posted in quite some time… But there has been a reason why people; the constant stick em ups I see everyday… I find myself consistently with two guns up like I’m down with D-Block…..Seriously, the nervous cringe has become all to familiar to me and if at all possible, I hope this latest posting might aid in some of you passing the knowledge on to your less enlightened friends so that we might put and end to such stickemuperry…..So without a further to do allow me to school you to various life faux pas…Ehh emm…
Things That Give Me A Nervous Cringe:
New Ray J Songs
Seeing Tied Du-Rags With The Tail Flowing In The Wind
Watching Fat People Eat
Witnessing Old White People Dance
Hearing Courtside Commentary from either Magic Johnson or Walt Frazier
Mad Linx on Rap City
Comicview
Julissa on 106 & Park
All of BET Actually
Caesars with No Taper in the back (aka “the Shag Back”)
Listening to post race interviews at a Track Meet
Women with Guts
Women with Guts that flop over their belts
Women with Guts that have belly rings
The Bag of Apples (the opposite of an apple bottom)
Thoroughly Worn-in Air Force Ones
Absurdly Tight Jeans
Ridiculously Baggy Jeans
Smelly Vaginas (haven’t encountered this in a while, but still…)
Hairy People Going Shirtless
Women With Mustaches
As my man Weezy F would say – “No I Don’t Like Baldhead hoes”
Ashy Feet
Sandals and Socks
Women Farting (ill)
Women Burping (ugh)
My Super Sweet 16
The Parkers
(Although entertaining) ReRuns of The Wayans Brothers
People who don’t speak English asking for directions
People who speak English saying “Nahmean or Nahmsayin” or any other blended together phrase to punctuate each thought or sentence
Bill O’Reilly
Gas Prices
Kevin Federlane Rapping
Murda Ma$e on G-Unit
Hell Rell’s Face
Willie Bouncing to slow jamz
Cute Girls with an entire entourage of ugly friends
Girls who only hang out with guys
The Police
The Police
The Police
The Jakes
The Fuzz

Fast Food Ingredients
Girls that don’t perform fellatio (or so they claim)

The Thought of being someone’s baby’s daddy/father (pronounced fahva)
- [famous last words]
Birdman Lugz
Uggz Boots
Men In Uggz Boots
Stevie Wonder’s mustache (or whatever that thing is)
And finally… the 200,909,327,900 more baseball games I will have to endure waiting for football season this summer once basketball season ends

Topics: Miscellaneous | 5 Comments »

If You Wanna Have Great Sex, Do This And You’ll Win…

By cadence | March 22, 2006

I have come to learn that having great sex is about instilling confidence in your partner. If you are able to establish a great level of confidence and trust, and build a high comfort level with your partner then you’ll be telling dem like a champ in no time. So here are few tips to help you on your way to getting it on and poppin in the room of beds.

1. No matter what size his penis is, tell him its big – I mean your not gonna tell him its small are you? Obviously not. You lose nothing by making him feel like its big, all he’ll do is figure out better ways to use it. Size is all relative, because its about how u make a person feel. It doesn’t have to actually be big, to feel big (To a certain extent obviously). But this only works with encouragement – Simply saying “hey, you’ve got a big dick” is not cutting it. Something along the lines of “Give me that big dick daddy” will be tons more effective. Trust

2. No Matter What Size Her Vagina is, Tell Her its So Tight – So what your slippin out of the cooch every 3 strokes. Tell her you love that tight wet pussy anyway. Then tell her to squeeze it for you. This will make life so much better. It will also make her feel like u appreciate her vagina and she will be more willing to compensate you for the lack of friction you’re receiving in your nether region.

3. Ask Questions, Don’t Assume – Everybody thinks they know exactly what to do in the bedroom. Ha, yeah right buddy. Some shit works on some people, on others u might as well just turn the TV back on and watch SportsCenter. So don’t be afraid to ask where the one you’re with wants to be touched, rubbed, or licked. You’d be surprised how many people haven’t been licked anywhere besides the Core Four (neck, nipple, crotch, tongue). So inquire beforehand, during that mind sex stage where someone has been and where they’d like to go. Then proceed to use that information to the best of your abilities.

4. Be Creative – I would have put this 3rd but some of you guys might start licking arm pits and ear canals and nobody really needs that. But once you learn where they’ve been rubbed up, licked, and massaged, think of other interesting places to which you could venture. This will get you tons of pussy/ penis points if you find that hidden spots that unleashes an unexpected toe curl.

5. Nipples – Guys like it too. That’s it, the end

6. Narrate – Okay, so you’re kinda deficient in your abundance of dirty talk references. When you run out of shit to say, just moan and describe whatever the hell happens to be going on at the moment. If she’s licking your knee caps saying something to affect of “lick those fucking knee caps baby” could put some spice into the mix. Cussing also helps. Not too much, but just enough. Adding once expletive per request is not a bad way to go.

7. Attitude – Completely necessary. Nothing gets done without it. You don’t have to act like you own the joint, but a certain level of authority is required. Anything you want must be asked for assertively, otherwise it aint gettin done. But this is a touch and go sort of thing. Some people like it when you beg, some like to be told what to do. Refer to tip #3 for help on this.

8. Encouragement – Okay, so that thing that they just did that you want done over and over again – the only way you’re gonna get that to happen again is to encourage it, and emphasize how much u liked that. Just laying there and enjoying is not enough. It would be ver ver ver helpful for you to let that person know that you are enjoying their sexual effort. That way they will be willing to give it again, and again, and again. You gotta be the track coach that inspires someone to run as hard and as fast as they can, and then feel good after they do it. Be Bob Kersee.

now go tell dem….

Topics: Miscellaneous | 5 Comments »

Priceless Moments in the Life of Cadence Cambridge…

By cadence | February 22, 2006

I was in class the other day, and the professor said there was sugar in sperm. A girl asked why it doesn’t taste sweet then. When she realized what she said her face became red with embarrassment. Then the professor said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the back of your throat. The girl started crying and left class … Priceless

Topics: Words is Like Ziti | 1 Comment »

What The Shit?!!

By cadence | February 7, 2006

This aint hate people, this here post is just good old common sense. I was recently informed that Mase has been “Crucified for the Hood” because evidently he is the HipHop Jesus. Which would seemingly make 50 Cent equivalent to God. Oh boy. If Mase is here to save me from my HipHop sins then I think I would prefer to just go to hell, thank you very much. I know it might be blasphemy (or is that Blast for me) to disrespect the sanctity of the Church that is G-Unit, but I mean really son, who decided that it was a good look to release the Passion of Em Ay Dollar Sign E mixtape??? Did they honestly think to themselves and say yo son, tell dem, it would be a good look if we put Mase in bloody rags, a thorny crown, and oh and lest we forget, diamond studded G-Unit Jesus Piece… Pain in my side from the terrible tragic comedy that has become the career of one Mason Betha.

Topics: Miscellaneous | 2 Comments »

Handy Dandy Trick of the Week

By cadence | February 7, 2006

If ever you are in a conversation that you do not wish to continue, and you are looking for a an appropriate response that can cut your counterpart off at the pass here are some handy dandy phrases that automatically put a homocide on unwanted chit chat and meaningless banter….

“Awesome”
“Okay”
“Alright”
“Yup”

Use these at intervals when confirmation of an idea would be the least likely response and make sure to add a slight head nod to your monotone repsonse and I guarantee that your moment of Jones Maloneage will come to a quiet and abrupt end… (also try adding a ‘Son’ to the beginning and end of each phrase for variety’s sake.)

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Stickem Up…Thought of the Day

By cadence | February 3, 2006

Okay Stick me up for not having posted on a consistent basis…but F u mutha F-ers cuz uaintfreshazimiz…now u have to deal with me on the daily…
My Thoughts On Sex
Sex: Tell Dem.
Brains: Tell Dem Again While Watching TV.
Beating Off: Tell Dem With or Without The Aid of Another.

Common Misconceptions About Sex
Sex: Men Don’t Care about Sex, They Care About Nutting.
Brains: There’s Never A Bad Time To Get Some Brains.
Beating Off: Nobody Will Ever Do Me Like I Do Me.

Things Every Woman Should Know About Sex (If They Don’t Already)
Sex: Yes, It’s Okay To Pitch In Every Now and Again and Not Let Me Do All The Work.
Brains: Yes, Licking Balls Is A Necessary Component.
Beating Off: Quicker, Easier, and More Efficient Than You Could Ever Be… But Made More Fun When You Participate… Preferably within the Testicle region

Things Every Man Should Know About Sex (If They Don’t Already)
Sex: Yo Son, Save Your Energy, If Your Penis is Large Enough all you gotta do is just put it in deep, thrust, and then Hold for about 5-10 secs then repeat… Works like a charm.
Brains: Brains + Fatigue + TV + Nutting = A Good Ass Sleep.
Beating Off: A) Keep A Nutt Rag Handy, Cuz having to clean up will fuck your Post-Coital Bliss Right The Fuck Up.
B) Nothing is worse than the agony of regretting having hooked up with yourself…

Topics: Miscellaneous | 2 Comments »

Stick Em’s and Tell Dem’s

By cadence | January 27, 2006

Fashion Tell Dems:

1. Vests
2. Multicolored Belts
3. Fitted (Not tight) Jeans
4. Plaid
5. Grillz
6. Argyle Socks

Fashion Stickems:

1. Birdman Lugz
2. Obnoxious Belt Buckles
3. Sweaters with the Name of the Company in a font larger than 24
4. Box Braids
5. Showing Your Cell phone on your hip when your shirt could easily cover it

Topics: Miscellaneous | 2 Comments »

Thought Of The Day

By cadence | December 29, 2005

Who in the hell told Lil’ Bow Wow he could wear gold fronts and 4x wifebeaters?????………..If Lil’ Roof Roof is the Baby GAP version of T.I. does that make Ray J the welfare version of Usher????

Topics: Miscellaneous | 1 Comment »